#SleepingBeautyRahul isn't to blame; the fault lies with the rain gods

We thought it was only us. We thought there was something wrong with us. We thought it was a climatic conspiracy against us. We were dead wrong. It’s not just us.

The monsoons, eagerly awaited by most Indians, bring with them a number of benefits — crops get irrigated, the temperature drops, streets get cleaned, spirits get replenished and you can get away with wearing shorts to work. All of which are wonderful, if only it were not for the side-effects with which they are accompanied — water-logging, public transport breakdowns, all sorts of water-borne diseases, the fact that you can’t wear suede and most pertinently, the drowsiness this sort of weather induces.

But before we get into all that, here’s how people tried to explain Congress vice-president Rahul Gandhi’s little ’timeout’ in the Lok Sabha on Wednesday.

Mayawati

BSP leader Mayawati was scathing in her denunciation of Rahul’s apparent nap. She attributed it to a lack of concern for the problems of Dalits, stating , “You can understand his attitude towards the issue and see how serious he is towards atrocities on Dalits”.

Renuka Chowdhury

Congress Member of Parliament Renukha Chowdhury had a different theory : “It is hot outside,” she said, adding with a straight face, “So people usually go inside the parliament which has air-conditioning and therefore close their eyes to relax.” This notion seemed less than convincing and so she asked, “Can anyone sleep in this noise?”

Abhishek Manu Singhvi

After the claims of a handful of Congress MPs that Rahul was simply checking his phone, Rajya Sabha MP Abhishek Manu Singhvi asserted , “It’s not a crime to check a cellphone.” It certainly isn’t. Especially if it was this email over which Rahul was carefully poring:

SIR,

I AM MAKING THIS CONTACT ON BEHALF OF MY SISTER MRS MARIAM ABACHA, THE WIFE OF OUR FORMER HEAD OF STATE, LATE GENERAL SANNI ABACHA, NOT MINDING THE CONSEQUENCES, BUT HOPING THAT YOU WOULD UNDERSTAND OUR PREDICAMENT HENCE THE NEED FOR YOUR URGENT ASSISTANCE AND CO-OPERATION.

I AM PRINCE ISA AHMED THE YOUNGER BROTHER TO MRS, MARIAM ABACHA. SHE GOT YOUR CONTACT WHILE GOING THROUGH HER LATE HUSBAND’S LIBRARY AND HOPE THAT YOU CAN GIVE US ADEQUATE ASSISTANCE.

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MY AIM OF CONTACTING YOU IS TO SEEK YOUR ASSISTANCE IN TRANSFERRING THE SUM OF THIRTY FIVE MILLION UNITED STATES DOLLARS ONLY (US$35,000,000) OUT OF NIGERIA AND INTO YOUR TRUSTED BANK ACCOUNT ABROAD. THESE FUNDS WERE PART OF THE FUNDS, WHICH WAS FOUND IN HER LATE HUSBAND’S PRIVATE ROOM. IMMEDIATELY AFTER HIS SUDDEN DEATH LAST YEAR AND SHE QUICKLY INFORMED ME, SINCE I VIRTUALLY RUN MOST OF HER SECRET BUSINESS BOTH HERE IN NIGERIA AND OVERSEAS, AS SHE HAS A LOT OF CONFIDENCE IN ME AND FORTUNATELY WITH MY IMMEDIATE ASSISTANCE, AND CONTACT WE WERE ABLE TO DEPOSIT THE MONEY IN A SECURITY VAULT PENDING WHEN THE WHOLE SITUATION WILL BE CALM.

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PRESENTLY, ALL THE FAMILY BANK ACCOUNTS ABROAD WERE FROZEN BY OUR FORMER HEAD OF STATE GENERAL ABDUSALAMI ABUBAKAR BECAUSE OF ALLEGED LOOTING OF OUR NATION’S MONEY BY HER LATE HUSBAND GENERAL SANNI ABACHA, BUT FORTUNATELY FOR US, WE ARE NOW IN A DEMOCRATIC GOVERNMENT, AND THIS IS OUR OPPORTUNITY TO REMOVE THE MONEY OUT OF NIGERIA, WE ARE WILLING TO GIVE YOU 30% OF THE FUNDS AFTER THE TRANSACTION FOR YOUR CO-OPERATION. ALL I NEED FROM YOU IS AN ASSURANCE THAT YOU CAN HANDLE THE AMOUNT INVOLVED COMFORTABLY AND ALSO I CAN TRUST YOU WITH THIS VERY ARRANGEMENT.

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IS REST ASSURED THAT THERE IS NO RISK INVOLVED SINCE I HAVE TAKEN CARE OF EVERYTHING HERE IN NIGERIA?

I WANT YOU TO IMMEDIATELY INFORM ME OF YOUR WILLINGNESS IN ASSISTING / CO-OPERATING WITH US ON MY E-MAIL ADDRESS SO THAT I CAN SEND YOU FULL DETAILS OF THIS TRANSACTION AND LET MAKE rearrangement FOR A MEETING AND DISCUSS AT LENGTH ON HOW TO TRANSFER THE SAID FUND. FINALLY, I AM TRUSTING ON YOUR FULL UNDERSTANDING OF THE ABOVE AND HOPING THAT YOU UNDERSTAND THE NEED FOR ABSOLUTE CONFIDENTIALITY. AWAITING WITH INTEREST YOUR RESPONSE AND HOPING TO DEVELOP GOOD BUSINESS RELATIONSHIP WITH YOU.

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YOURS FAITHFULLY,

PRINCE ISA AHMED

Yes, all caps.

Tehseen Poonawalla

According to columnist Tehseen Poonawalla, this was no nap at all. In fact, the Gandhi scion was getting in touch with his spiritual side.

FYI dear media and BJP - RG is into meditation & one of the best ways to listen to a speaker is to close your eyes, breathe and hear 1/n

— Tehseen Poonawalla Official 🇮🇳 (@tehseenp) July 20, 2016

As someone who does Vipasna - I know that Rahul Gandhi was NOT sleeping- there is a breathing & listening technique

— Tehseen Poonawalla Official 🇮🇳 (@tehseenp) July 20, 2016

Perhaps meditating on the fury of the Dalits was supposed to provide Rahul with some sort of deeper understanding about the issues facing them or something like that, but we’re not sure. What we are, however, sure about is that the monsoons are incredibly sleep-inducing and Rahul is under the treacherous curse of the season.

Mystery solved. Case closed. You can all go home.

Still here? What’s that? You want evidence? Or do you think it’s Mallikarjun Kharge’s fault for putting Rahul to sleep with his incredibly soothing voice?

Alright, a history lesson is in order.

Monsoon 2014

Note: Not Kharge

Monsoon 2015

Note: This is Kharge

Monsoon 2016

Note: Kharge again

Mil gaya saboot? Aa gaya yakeen?

It’s the curse of the monsoon, people. There’s a reason it’s called the Monsoon Session.